Quote of the Week
‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.’
— Author Unknown
Jokes of the Week
Nuns And Golf
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t
hat was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running,
an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!”
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said,
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?
August 2, 2009
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1.)Hold the cat in your arms as you would a baby. Place your right hand thumb and forefinger on opposite sides of the cats mouth with pill in hand. When cat opens its mouth, and let the pill gently roll in, let go of the cat to swallow the pill in peace.
2.)Get the pill from the floor and retrieve the cat from behind the sofa. hold cat in arms and repeat step 1
3.) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw out pill.
4.)Locate a new pill from the pack and hold the cat firmly in left arm with left hand firmly around neck. with your right hand force the jaw open and push the pill to the back of the throat with your index finger. hold the cats mouth closed and count to ten.
5.) fish the pill out of the aquarium and get the cat down from on top of the bookshelf, call a friend.
6.)get on your knees and hold the cat firmly between legs, watching for hind paws. Don’t worry if the cat growls. ask friend to hold the cats head while you run a ruler down the cats throat and let the pill slide down while stroking the larynx to initiate swallowing reflex.
7.) get cat down from curtain rod and retrieve a new pill from the packet. Make a note to get a new ruler and repair curtains. clean up the debris from the porcelain figures that stood on the windowsill and put aside for later repairs
8.) Wrap the cat in a towel and get your friend to lie on in with its head poking out below the armpit. Place the pill in a straw and force the mouth open with a pencil and attempt to blow the pill down the cats throat.
9.)Read the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to wash away the nasty taste. Put ointment on friends arm and wash blood from carpet with cold soapy water.
10.)Get cat from neighbors hedgerow. place cat in kitchen cabinet and close door so that only the head is sticking out. Force mouth open with a spoon and shoot the pill in with a rubber band.
11.)get a screwdriver from the garage to fix the broken cabinet door hinge. Add a bandage to your cheek, and call the doctor to check when you last had a tetanus shot. Throw away the bloody T shirt and get a new one to put on.
12.)Call the fire department to retrieve the cat from the tree in the neighbors yard. Apologize to neighbor for them smashing his fence in the process. get last pill from package.
13.)Wrap the cat up in the back doormat and tie well with string. Lash this package to a good leg of the kitchen table. get your heavy leather reinforced work gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the cats mouth and follow with a bit of tuna. Keep the cats head vertical and pour in 1-2 liters of water to wash down the pill.
14.) Have friend drive you to the emergency room. Sit all nice and quiet while surgeon puts twelve stitches in fingers and picks the remains of the pill from your right eye. Run by the furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
15.) Call the local veterinarian, It should now feel well worth a months salary to leave the job to a professional.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1.)wrap pill in bacon slice, done!!!